Sex and The Singles
So you find yourself single, maybe at a time in your life that you didn’t expect it. You may have tried singles’ functions or been set up by friends. We seem to live in a “couples” based society don’t we? In order to find a compatible match, you are faced with a weeding out process that takes a little work. How has dating changed over the decades? Is it different from your 20’s and 30’s? Is it different in your 40’s & over?
You’ll have to reject some, and you may be rejected yourself from time to time. Sitting home and eating Chinese food may seem like a better option for you, but don’t give up hope! Dating can be fun and exciting. Here, singles share their experiences and viewpoints through an intimate dialog.
We also spoke to our dating “expert” Dr. Nancy Safir Wall who owns Tampa Bay Matchmakers. Nancy weighs in at the end of the article with her tips on successfully navigating the dating waters. She is popular Life Coach and a successful Matchmaker with plenty of good advice to share.
Where do I start? When I was in my 20’s men took you out for many months and got to know you before thinking they could take you to bed, in my 30’s men took you out for a little while & got to know you before they tried to take you home, now in my 40’s men take you out for a drink and think they can take you home. That’s been my experience which is why I decided to stop dating, I liked the 20’s men better than the 40’s.
I enjoy the process of dating. Meeting, going out, and learning about the person. If it doesn’t work out, that’s ok, I move on to the next. It’s fun.
Let’s talk about what it’s like to date at my age: 51. Ok, let me stop crying. (tissue please.) It SUCKS. You have limited ways to meet eligible men. You probably come with lots of baggage, i.e. ex husbands, children and financial challenges. On the upside, you may be well established in your career and too independent to like anyone who asks for compromise. Then there are the 30 yr olds who think ‘cougar’ and ‘sugar mama’. It looks like I’m going to remain single.
On the topic of sex-to be honest, sex is initially a test of compatibility, a big one. If you don’t have chemistry in bed, you won’t be going much further. People try to downplay it, but sex is an important part of a healthy relationship, no matter what age.
Some men are immature and that made many of them afraid to approach you too quickly for sex because they were intimidated. That’s ok with me. I get hit on by younger men but many of them think I’m their age (I def like that) But I don’t want to date them younger. Women have become so “independent” sexually that men assume that all of us are that way. I still want to get to know the man I fall into bed with and 3 dates is not enough to tell me if you’re worthy. But they feel you’re a financial drain if they take you out more than 3 times & you’re not putting out.
Sex can wait, if they really like you. They’ll wait. I prefer an older man to a younger man, they are more self-assured, usually in better financial situations and established in their careers and know how to treat a woman in bed and out.
From a woman’s point of view, our greatest gift is our body. A man who is attracted to you will want to sleep with you, yes. However, if you really want that man and would like to build a relationship,, take your time getting to the bedroom. Both men and women can’t afford to ignore this advice.
I agree, I actually have a blog where I write something very similar. Tired of seeing women compromise themselves because they think it will please a man. If it’s not you and makes you feel bad, why would you do it? Makes no sense to me, I’d rather be single if that’s the case.
Both genders have changed their dating styles and expectations. People want to “hook up” rather than be seen as ”dating”. Dating has become accelerated and yet distant because of the internet. Our expectations have changed because of different factors. I am “OLD SCHOOL” but the factors that play into dating are cynicism, layoffs, economy, insecurity, crime, less social skills, less manners, education and some people need better conversational skills.
I agree with much of what you’re saying Mark, I also think that no matter how old you are, people are still giving in to peer pressure. I can’t speak from a man’s point of view because clearly I’ve never been one -but other women will tell me I’m “old fashioned” because I am not interested in hooking up. I tell them I’ll be old fashioned because I am already enough statistics, I’m female, I’m black, I’m a single mother, I do NOT want to add dying of AIDS to that list so I’ll pass on being easy.
Dating hasn’t changed – I have! In my 20’s, I was rather shy, in my 30’s, I thought I knew it all, in my 40’s, I went back to the old standards of treating women like ladies, making sure they were “taken care of before me” . That’s where it’s stayed up to now! But I now can see the “red flags” popping up when it comes to one who lies, cheats and is an overall waste of time, this also comes with age.
I think that BS radar is fine tuned as we gain the years!
So true! The older I get, the more I can spot BS a mile away! The less tolerance I have for it. It’s a time waster.
As someone about to move back into the dating scene after decades, I’ve narrowed the “mantra” down to one line in order to keep it simple…”no BS and no expectations”. I won’t do the dance if it doesn’t feel like it’s leading anywhere, won’t date a prescribed number of times before thinking something will happen, won’t play the fluffy Cosmo magazine games. It isn’t to sound harsh but it shouldn’t matter where or what we are doing if we’re enjoying each other’s company we’ll go on as many dates as we like, and if the “magic” happens after 2 dates or 20 who cares? As adults we can make those choices without having to ascribe to protocol someone else set up. But I will not go into any date with any expectations because you can’t just let things happen organically if you do.
Agreed. Being your authentic self if essential. No games, save that b.s. for your early 20’s. All of us are so different as people, if it doesn’t “click” then it is ok to move on. Guys, just be polite and call if you say you will, if there’s no spark, be honest and respectful & move on. Do not look for perfection! It doesn’t exist. We all have imperfections.
I’ve done the online dating sites: Eharmony, Match, POF. I have heard from male friends that this is what some men (of all ages) do, they use the internet dating sites to ‘hook up’. Then I have friends who tell me they met their husband/fiance/bf on match, pof, etc. I’ve had some nice coffee dates through these sites, and a few that went a few more dates- nothing that turned into a relationship yet. Kellie, I am often mistaken for younger, myself, but I am very upfront about my age, and my priorities. I find that most men my age have seen their children grow up and start independent lives and don’t want to get involved with someone who still has children to raise. I can’t just jump on an airplane for a weekend vacation; there is school, homework, doctor appts to squeeze in around my job commitments. Surely there has to be someone brave enough who thinks I’m worth slugging through all of that for?
Dating is different in your early 20’s, you are looking for sex and parties. Maybe in your 30’s you are looking to settle down and start a family. In your 40’s if you are still single, that’s cool. But some of us 40- somethings are divorced with kids and that takes on it’s own set of challenges. Dating in your 50’s? Don’t know. Not there yet.
Kate, like you I am upfront about my age, I usually ask how old they are then I laugh & let them know I’m flattered. I don’t know that it matters the whole kid thing, my “baby” will be 18 in November & men still seem as if they don’t want to be bothered. I’ve basically put myself on hiatus, I get a lot of emails via facebook asking if I’m single and want to go out but I’ve just kind of decided that I don’t even know if I have the energy to put forth the effort at this time. My focus is getting that last kid out of the house & then maybe we’ll see what the dating life will bring. I’ve been on hiatus for 2 yrs & in there I’ve gone out a handful of times thinking I was ready & what I’ve found has sent me running back to my hiatus.
Starbucks has become the first date mecca for online dating, by the way. It would be interesting to go to your local coffee shop and survey the room. I bet more than one couple would be on a first ‘meet’.
I love Starbucks! Plus it’s less pressure than sitting down for a whole meal and less tacky than the bar scene. You can jet after a cup of coffee if you don’t like your date!
I don’t want a “high mileage” man anymore than I would think a man who is actually interested in a relationship would want a “high mileage” woman. With the direction that dating has seemingly taken, I am gearing up to be single for the long haul. Not something I prefer but something I am coming to accept. You meet a guy & within a couple of conversations he’s sexting, getting touchy feely -when you let him know that’s not where your head is, he bails. I’m all about having fun as long as we are both moving in the same direction but if you’re only in it to hit it & quit it, then move on, I’m not your girl.
I actually have the other side of that coin. It’ll be interesting to see how many women of the age group is be interested in would actually want a relationship with a single dad of a currently 10 year old. One of the main problems I had with my ex was she wanted to bolt off at a moments notice quite often but dumping my son onto someone else for whole weekends or pulling him out of school is a huge no-no for me. I love to get away, but only when it fits into the responsibilities of the rest of my life. My fear is that women in their 40s have done the kid thing and won’t be interested, and in their 30s might not want instant family.
Dating has definitely changed a lot. Now people use the internet a lot more or go out to clubs to find their other half. But I also see women asking guys out more now than back then.
I’m still old fashioned about that Juan. I expect the man to ask for my phone number, to make the first call, and to plan the first date. Patty Stanger guidelines! I also think that if there is chemistry, the man should ‘seal the deal’ (not in the way you might think!) I mean, ask for the second date. Tell me “I’d like to see you again”. I have to say that the men I’ve met lately have conducted themselves in this manner, so no complaints. I actually prefer a guy with kids, they get it. I usually eliminate guys who don’t have children, or who have grown children out of the nest.
Kate, I agree with you with regard to the kids being a factor, the guys you are tossing are the ones I’m interested in because again, my baby is 2 months away from being 18 & I don’t have the temperament to do the Disney days or the whining from younger kids. I prefer men who actually have kids over those that don’t because even though my children are basically grown, they still need me & I need someone that can relate to that. I’ve dated men who had children the same age as mine as they grew up & I find also that if the philosophy on rearing kids is vastly different, there will be issues & at this point, I just don’t want to have to deal with the day in & day out of those issues.
I would rather have friends that are honest than a “relationship” that isn’t. But I do agree on the child thing. I could be way off but I think it would be better (at least for me) to date someone with children (regardless of age) since they would “get it” a bit more. I caveat this by saying that there will always be child-free women who do get it, though they appear to be as rare as unicorns these days.
Best dating advice for all ages
~ By expert matchmaker Dr. Nancy Safir Wall
Be yourself – don’t try to pretend to be someone you’re not.
You are who you are, and you can only pretend to be someone else for so long. Don’t try to guess what the other person wants you to be, just be YOU. Your right match will be attracted to you, for YOU!
You have something very special to offer the right person – YOURSELF. We are all unique and that’s what makes us special. Show everyone your true, authentic self, and your “right” match for you will be attracted to you.
Don’t go out only trying to find your right match. Go out to have fun and do things you enjoy. If you put so much pressure on yourself, and others, that you are present only to find your right match, you will most likely go home disappointed.
Enjoy the process! You have the time and control now to own your life and make it whatever you want it to be! You are in charge of your destiny, so enjoy learning about yourself and others, as you seek your right match!
Just as you would hire a personal trainer to lose weight, or an admin assistant to help you at work, or a housekeeper to clean your house, if you are serious about finding that right match, hire a professional matchmaker to assist you in your journey.
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